One of the emotions that has bothered me the most during our adoption process is feeling like we are somehow being selfish for wanting more children. Matt and I were blessed to be able to have Ainsley and it is, and was, truly amazing. Ainsley's birthday is next month and as I look back again at my pregnancy and her delivery, I am reminded of the divine intervention that was there. She was (and is) healthy. Despite being four weeks early, we left the hospital within 24 hours of her birth. The gestational blood disorder I encountered was resolved and I am again healthy. Amazing.
Considering the blessing of our daughter, how could I ask for more? I do. So often, I feel like I am being selfish by asking God to bless us with another baby. But, is that selfish? From the moment I found out I was pregnant, my life changed. Things I ate, exercise, my weight, things we used to do... It all changed. In an amazing, good way. After Ainsley was born, I decided to quit my job - a job I was fairly successful in and good at - in order to stay home with her. I couldn't leave the wonder of this little girl. She still amazes me in everything she does. Even when she is most like me and is sassy or bossy, I love it and wouldn't trade it for the world. I love being a mom so much, I want to do it all over again.
Am I selfish? I don't really believe I am. I do believe that through prayer, God gives us the desires of our hearts. Today, I was reminded of the feeling I had when I truly felt God giving me the desire for another baby. Today, I "cried it out" to God. I begged. Recently, I've wanted to throw my hands in and stop waiting. Stop the emotional roller coaster we've been on for the past year. But, I won't do it. He won't let me quit. I am a mom. I am a wife. I am a friend. And, most importantly, God's child. I am on this path for a reason. Someday, I know I will look back on this journey with memories of the lessons I learned, the humility I faced, and the grace given to me over and over again. Amazing.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Nine Months... And counting...
A year ago, if you had talked to me about our adoption, I was very optimistic that it would happen for us very quickly. Matt and I officially began waiting in late September/early October of last year and have now been waiting nine months. Nine months. The amount of time I was pregnant with Ainsley. It is a very bittersweet feeling.
On one hand, I am so, so thankful for this extra time with just Ainsley. Last week, we were able to take her on a family vacation to Disneyland. This is something I have been looking forward to doing with her for nearly four years. And, it was worth the wait. Ainsley had an amazing time! She was able to meet princesses, ride roller coasters, swim, climb through an obstacle course, and slide down a water slide. While there, I couldn't help but notice the number of families who were obviously not blood related, but wholly families nonetheless. It was incredible! I also noticed a lot of babies, (How could I not?!) and thought, "Wow, I'm really glad we're not toting a baby around in these crowds right now." Obviously, if we had a baby right now, we would have just rescheduled this trip to a later date. But, I was so thankful for this special time with our firstborn. So thankful to witness her seeing the "magic" of Disney for the first time.
On the other hand, I am sad that we have not welcomed our second baby yet. For the same amount of time it takes a baby to grow, we have been waiting. Almost immediately after coming home, I began to feel the frustration and anxiety for our baby again. Right now, I just want to throw my hands in the air and give up. But, I won't. I still believe the woman who will trust us enough to let us raise her child is out there. I still believe this is what we are supposed to be doing. It is said over and over again in one way or another - nothing in life is guaranteed. Life is not predictable, nor can it be controlled.
As always, I feel God's hand on my heart, reminding me to be patient. Reminding me to persevere, even when I think I would rather be a coward and just give up.
On one hand, I am so, so thankful for this extra time with just Ainsley. Last week, we were able to take her on a family vacation to Disneyland. This is something I have been looking forward to doing with her for nearly four years. And, it was worth the wait. Ainsley had an amazing time! She was able to meet princesses, ride roller coasters, swim, climb through an obstacle course, and slide down a water slide. While there, I couldn't help but notice the number of families who were obviously not blood related, but wholly families nonetheless. It was incredible! I also noticed a lot of babies, (How could I not?!) and thought, "Wow, I'm really glad we're not toting a baby around in these crowds right now." Obviously, if we had a baby right now, we would have just rescheduled this trip to a later date. But, I was so thankful for this special time with our firstborn. So thankful to witness her seeing the "magic" of Disney for the first time.
On the other hand, I am sad that we have not welcomed our second baby yet. For the same amount of time it takes a baby to grow, we have been waiting. Almost immediately after coming home, I began to feel the frustration and anxiety for our baby again. Right now, I just want to throw my hands in the air and give up. But, I won't. I still believe the woman who will trust us enough to let us raise her child is out there. I still believe this is what we are supposed to be doing. It is said over and over again in one way or another - nothing in life is guaranteed. Life is not predictable, nor can it be controlled.
As always, I feel God's hand on my heart, reminding me to be patient. Reminding me to persevere, even when I think I would rather be a coward and just give up.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Things I've learned, so far...
Yesterday, I was thinking through a few of the things I've learned about adoption, trying to have a baby, and myself in the last year. So, here goes...
First, I have learned I am really impatient. I sort of knew this previously, but it has really been brought to the forefront in these last months. Christmases past, before Ainsley, I would sneak a peek at my wrapped gifts under the tree. I stopped doing this after Ainsley was born, because seeing her face when she is surprised reminded me the gifts are not about me, but more about the people who are giving them and why they gave them. Also, I've always read the last few pages of books to ensure they will end happily or, if unhappily, so I can prepare myself. This one was actually an idea planted in my mind after watching one of my favorite movies of all time, When Harry Met Sally. However, I don't read the end for the same reason Harry did. I'm just impatient and feel the need to be prepared for anything. In adoption, or having children at all for that matter, I have learned you simply cannot be prepared for everything. This is where faith has to kick in. At least for me.
Next, I've learned that no ones journey to have a child is the same. Some people are blessed to not have infertility, or miscarriages, or complications during their pregnancies. If you are one of these people, please consider yourself very blessed. In recent months, or even in the past year, I have spoken to so many friends who want children. Whether adopting or trying to have a biological child, the desire is the same. And, it is supposed to be so easy, right? It's not. At least not for so, so many people I know, love, or have read about. However, we all are dealing with this time in our lives in our own ways. Each sort of knowing what the other feels, but still not totally grasping what it may be because it is so personal for each of us.
Another thing I kept saying and thinking during this time was that God was trying to teach me lessons during this season. My husband, who is the most incredible man I know, said something to me recently that really put this part into perspective. He said, God does not have his thumb down on me, forcing me to learn. Rather, he is grieving with me during this process as well. Matt reminded me that while my heart is changing, I am not being punished. I believe, when I think about it and pray about it, that God is protecting my heart and giving me peace and the strength I never knew I had or truly appreciated. I've learned that when I really pray for that change and peace, it is given to me. What a gift!
Finally, I've learned to really tell people what it's like to wait for a baby. In other words, I've learned to do something I've never been overly comfortable doing - I'm letting people know me and my heart. What is amazing to me about this, has been the response from my friends. That, when I get to know people and they get to know me, there is no need for fear because truly wonderful friendships can be formed. It means more friends are praying for us and the peace that comes along with that cannot be measured.
Right now, I am so tremendously thankful to be exactly where I am. Thankful for the people in my life. Thankful for my family. Thankful for the future. And so, we wait some more. It will be OK. Our baby, so like a gift, is not about me...
First, I have learned I am really impatient. I sort of knew this previously, but it has really been brought to the forefront in these last months. Christmases past, before Ainsley, I would sneak a peek at my wrapped gifts under the tree. I stopped doing this after Ainsley was born, because seeing her face when she is surprised reminded me the gifts are not about me, but more about the people who are giving them and why they gave them. Also, I've always read the last few pages of books to ensure they will end happily or, if unhappily, so I can prepare myself. This one was actually an idea planted in my mind after watching one of my favorite movies of all time, When Harry Met Sally. However, I don't read the end for the same reason Harry did. I'm just impatient and feel the need to be prepared for anything. In adoption, or having children at all for that matter, I have learned you simply cannot be prepared for everything. This is where faith has to kick in. At least for me.
Next, I've learned that no ones journey to have a child is the same. Some people are blessed to not have infertility, or miscarriages, or complications during their pregnancies. If you are one of these people, please consider yourself very blessed. In recent months, or even in the past year, I have spoken to so many friends who want children. Whether adopting or trying to have a biological child, the desire is the same. And, it is supposed to be so easy, right? It's not. At least not for so, so many people I know, love, or have read about. However, we all are dealing with this time in our lives in our own ways. Each sort of knowing what the other feels, but still not totally grasping what it may be because it is so personal for each of us.
Another thing I kept saying and thinking during this time was that God was trying to teach me lessons during this season. My husband, who is the most incredible man I know, said something to me recently that really put this part into perspective. He said, God does not have his thumb down on me, forcing me to learn. Rather, he is grieving with me during this process as well. Matt reminded me that while my heart is changing, I am not being punished. I believe, when I think about it and pray about it, that God is protecting my heart and giving me peace and the strength I never knew I had or truly appreciated. I've learned that when I really pray for that change and peace, it is given to me. What a gift!
Finally, I've learned to really tell people what it's like to wait for a baby. In other words, I've learned to do something I've never been overly comfortable doing - I'm letting people know me and my heart. What is amazing to me about this, has been the response from my friends. That, when I get to know people and they get to know me, there is no need for fear because truly wonderful friendships can be formed. It means more friends are praying for us and the peace that comes along with that cannot be measured.
Right now, I am so tremendously thankful to be exactly where I am. Thankful for the people in my life. Thankful for my family. Thankful for the future. And so, we wait some more. It will be OK. Our baby, so like a gift, is not about me...
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Waiting Game
OK, so, I've not been nearly as great at blogging as I aspired to be at the beginning. This is mostly because, I am just kind of whiny lately. There are times I really think I sound quite like my nearly-4-year-old about this whole adoption process. "Has it happened yet?" "Has it happened yet?" "Is it going to happen?" "When will it happen?" The funny thing about this is that when my daughter asks me constant questions like this, I get kind of annoyed. However, my annoying questions are going to God. I take comfort in knowing He isn't annoyed with me and that in truth, like me with my daughter, He is teaching me during this waiting season. He is teaching me patience far beyond what I thought I could be capable of. Obviously, I will never be patient like God and, like any child, I am not necessarily taking this lesson well. I'm still whining and complaining quite a bit. However, I feel myself recognizing my attitude and am truly working on stopping the whining. I think by recognizing my attitude, especially by paralleling it to a nearly-four-year-old's, God has shown me something pretty important.
Lately, I am also trying to distract myself - a lot. First, it was with a new profile album. Yes, previously I said I would not do this again, but the newest one really is the best. It is all colorful and happy looking. I love it! If you're curious what this looks like, here is the link (http://www1.snapfish.com/snapfish/projectshareewelcome/l=6314857002/p=85181305761662117/g=24925953/cobrandOid=1000/COBRAND_NAME=snapfish/otsc=SYE/otsi=SPBKlink/). Matt and I also decided to go ahead and put together a video to go along with our online profile. I had a blast putting this together and am so excited for how it turned out. I included the video on my last blog post. These were great distractions right now. We have also decided to take a family vacation to Disneyland. Ainsley is at the perfect age to go now and we just quite frankly need to get away. I am so excited! In fact, my mother-in-law decided to come with us which means Matt and I will even get an evening out! Now, I do realize we cannot take a vacation anytime I need a distraction from waiting, but as the summer and year moves on, there is plenty of fun to look forward to. Matt and my 13th anniversary, Ainsley's 4th birthday, summer swimming lessons, park days, a summer camp, my birthday, and then we get into the holidays. Very exciting!
I find it fascinating what God reminds us of in our quiet moments. For example, it was while thinking about blogging, I realized I am acting a bit like a child and whining. Not a great thing... However, also during this time I realized what great blessings I have to continue to look forward to. So, the waiting game continues - distracting and praying. Most importantly, praying. It's really all I can do...
Lately, I am also trying to distract myself - a lot. First, it was with a new profile album. Yes, previously I said I would not do this again, but the newest one really is the best. It is all colorful and happy looking. I love it! If you're curious what this looks like, here is the link (http://www1.snapfish.com/snapfish/projectshareewelcome/l=6314857002/p=85181305761662117/g=24925953/cobrandOid=1000/COBRAND_NAME=snapfish/otsc=SYE/otsi=SPBKlink/). Matt and I also decided to go ahead and put together a video to go along with our online profile. I had a blast putting this together and am so excited for how it turned out. I included the video on my last blog post. These were great distractions right now. We have also decided to take a family vacation to Disneyland. Ainsley is at the perfect age to go now and we just quite frankly need to get away. I am so excited! In fact, my mother-in-law decided to come with us which means Matt and I will even get an evening out! Now, I do realize we cannot take a vacation anytime I need a distraction from waiting, but as the summer and year moves on, there is plenty of fun to look forward to. Matt and my 13th anniversary, Ainsley's 4th birthday, summer swimming lessons, park days, a summer camp, my birthday, and then we get into the holidays. Very exciting!
I find it fascinating what God reminds us of in our quiet moments. For example, it was while thinking about blogging, I realized I am acting a bit like a child and whining. Not a great thing... However, also during this time I realized what great blessings I have to continue to look forward to. So, the waiting game continues - distracting and praying. Most importantly, praying. It's really all I can do...
Friday, May 13, 2011
Adoption Video
Matt and I recently decided to go ahead and create an adoption video to be included in our online profile through our agency - Bethany Christian Services. I was pretty pleased with how it turned out and am now posting it here as well. We have an amazing group of friends and family who are loving, praying, and supporting us always.
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Friendship
Today a friend of mine came over and I was yet again reminded how important friendship is and what a truly magnificent gift God gives us in it. I've been so terribly down in the dumps. Simply feeling sad, rejected, and cold. I've not really wanted to be around my friends very often lately. Not because I don't love them, but because I've been embarrassed by my emotions. I've felt so embarrassed for the rejection of not being selected yet and then, embarrassed that I'm embarrassed. That somehow, my friends would judge me and think I'm just not trusting in the Lord enough or that they too would see the rejection as something wrong with me. Today, I was reminded why these are lies I've been allowing myself and why I must fight them and fight to get out of my comfort zone daily. Why I so humbly need to be willing to let God hold my heart. Today, a very dear friend of mine came over and straight forwardly ask me if I've been down. I began to cry and told her the truth. All of it. Her answer was love and understanding. Not condemnation or judgement. She simply hugged me and told me I'm beautiful and that she understood why what we are waiting for is hard. Words I so desperately needed to hear today. Especially after going swimsuit shopping! ;)
Thank you, Katy. Thank you so very much for loving me today. This is what faith gives me. HE gives me a husband and truly amazing friends to lift me up and remind me to listen. What a blessing!
Thank you, Katy. Thank you so very much for loving me today. This is what faith gives me. HE gives me a husband and truly amazing friends to lift me up and remind me to listen. What a blessing!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Terrified
Something I only really vaguely thought about so far in our adoption is our relationship with our baby's birth parent(s). However, in the last few days, I feel like I have been forced to look at and evaluate what this relationship will be and why it is so important. When Matt and I first began this journey, we were pretty sure we wanted a closed adoption. We had this nonsensical idea that "open adoption" meant co-parenting. We mindlessly and selfishly thought we'd have this other family dictating how to raise our kids. Literally, fifteen minutes before we walked into our adoption agency for the first time, I received an email from an old high school friend. She told me her sister had given up her son for adoption years ago and that it was an open adoption. She explained that for her family to be able to see that little boy grow through the years provided so much peace for her sister and her family. The photos of him and few visits her sister has had provide comfort. This changed Matt and my perspective. Pretty far into the process, almost near the end really, we were required to attend a day of "training". I use the word "training" lightly for several reasons. First, I don't think anyone can prepare you to be a parent. Let alone an adoptive parent. Second, Matt and I really had no idea what we were walking into on this day. For starters, we didn't totally pay attention and thought it was only four hours long. WRONG. It was eight. Eight hours of information from an attorney and then adoptive families. The families were what we were not emotionally prepared for.
First, the women who had sacrificially given their babies to families blew me away. They were articulate, kind, and struggling. Each one of these women ultimately wanted the same thing - a stable, safe, and loving home for the child they loved, but for one reason or another they could not raise. Next, the adoptive families arrived to talk about their journey to receive there little ones. There were three of them. While listening on this day, it was apparent, more like a slap in the face kind of wake up call, that our relationship with our birth mother (or birth parents/birth family) will work because it is simply God working through the whole process anyway. This relationship will work because God will make it work. Believe me, I am not under any false pretenses that this relationship will necessarily be easy. In fact, it's still quite the contrary - I am terrified. Who will this woman be? Where will she come from? What will her expectations be?
One of my greatest fears is being judged. For any and everything. From the way I style my hair to the way I practice my faith. And yet, here I am. I am going to be judged. I am going to be evaluated so critically by a person I will not know at all. And I should be. The fit between our birth mother and us should be evaluated and prayed over thoughtfully. Because, ultimately, from the time we are chosen, we will be connected. We will be connected through a tiny baby for life. This is why I am praying for patience. This is why I am willing to wait. Because, when the fit finally occurs, it will be a blessing from God. Yes, I believe this wholeheartedly. We will fit because we are meant to fit. All of the band-aids will be off and our lives will be shared.
These last few days, I have been terrified of this relationship just like I was at the beginning. I've been forced to really think about this relationship. However, as I am writing this right now, I'm feeling it subside yet again. Just like it did on our training day. The woman God only knows at this point, will have a relationship with us according to Him. And it will work. And rather than being terrified, I am getting excited!
First, the women who had sacrificially given their babies to families blew me away. They were articulate, kind, and struggling. Each one of these women ultimately wanted the same thing - a stable, safe, and loving home for the child they loved, but for one reason or another they could not raise. Next, the adoptive families arrived to talk about their journey to receive there little ones. There were three of them. While listening on this day, it was apparent, more like a slap in the face kind of wake up call, that our relationship with our birth mother (or birth parents/birth family) will work because it is simply God working through the whole process anyway. This relationship will work because God will make it work. Believe me, I am not under any false pretenses that this relationship will necessarily be easy. In fact, it's still quite the contrary - I am terrified. Who will this woman be? Where will she come from? What will her expectations be?
One of my greatest fears is being judged. For any and everything. From the way I style my hair to the way I practice my faith. And yet, here I am. I am going to be judged. I am going to be evaluated so critically by a person I will not know at all. And I should be. The fit between our birth mother and us should be evaluated and prayed over thoughtfully. Because, ultimately, from the time we are chosen, we will be connected. We will be connected through a tiny baby for life. This is why I am praying for patience. This is why I am willing to wait. Because, when the fit finally occurs, it will be a blessing from God. Yes, I believe this wholeheartedly. We will fit because we are meant to fit. All of the band-aids will be off and our lives will be shared.
These last few days, I have been terrified of this relationship just like I was at the beginning. I've been forced to really think about this relationship. However, as I am writing this right now, I'm feeling it subside yet again. Just like it did on our training day. The woman God only knows at this point, will have a relationship with us according to Him. And it will work. And rather than being terrified, I am getting excited!
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