A year ago, if you had talked to me about our adoption, I was very optimistic that it would happen for us very quickly. Matt and I officially began waiting in late September/early October of last year and have now been waiting nine months. Nine months. The amount of time I was pregnant with Ainsley. It is a very bittersweet feeling.
On one hand, I am so, so thankful for this extra time with just Ainsley. Last week, we were able to take her on a family vacation to Disneyland. This is something I have been looking forward to doing with her for nearly four years. And, it was worth the wait. Ainsley had an amazing time! She was able to meet princesses, ride roller coasters, swim, climb through an obstacle course, and slide down a water slide. While there, I couldn't help but notice the number of families who were obviously not blood related, but wholly families nonetheless. It was incredible! I also noticed a lot of babies, (How could I not?!) and thought, "Wow, I'm really glad we're not toting a baby around in these crowds right now." Obviously, if we had a baby right now, we would have just rescheduled this trip to a later date. But, I was so thankful for this special time with our firstborn. So thankful to witness her seeing the "magic" of Disney for the first time.
On the other hand, I am sad that we have not welcomed our second baby yet. For the same amount of time it takes a baby to grow, we have been waiting. Almost immediately after coming home, I began to feel the frustration and anxiety for our baby again. Right now, I just want to throw my hands in the air and give up. But, I won't. I still believe the woman who will trust us enough to let us raise her child is out there. I still believe this is what we are supposed to be doing. It is said over and over again in one way or another - nothing in life is guaranteed. Life is not predictable, nor can it be controlled.
As always, I feel God's hand on my heart, reminding me to be patient. Reminding me to persevere, even when I think I would rather be a coward and just give up.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Things I've learned, so far...
Yesterday, I was thinking through a few of the things I've learned about adoption, trying to have a baby, and myself in the last year. So, here goes...
First, I have learned I am really impatient. I sort of knew this previously, but it has really been brought to the forefront in these last months. Christmases past, before Ainsley, I would sneak a peek at my wrapped gifts under the tree. I stopped doing this after Ainsley was born, because seeing her face when she is surprised reminded me the gifts are not about me, but more about the people who are giving them and why they gave them. Also, I've always read the last few pages of books to ensure they will end happily or, if unhappily, so I can prepare myself. This one was actually an idea planted in my mind after watching one of my favorite movies of all time, When Harry Met Sally. However, I don't read the end for the same reason Harry did. I'm just impatient and feel the need to be prepared for anything. In adoption, or having children at all for that matter, I have learned you simply cannot be prepared for everything. This is where faith has to kick in. At least for me.
Next, I've learned that no ones journey to have a child is the same. Some people are blessed to not have infertility, or miscarriages, or complications during their pregnancies. If you are one of these people, please consider yourself very blessed. In recent months, or even in the past year, I have spoken to so many friends who want children. Whether adopting or trying to have a biological child, the desire is the same. And, it is supposed to be so easy, right? It's not. At least not for so, so many people I know, love, or have read about. However, we all are dealing with this time in our lives in our own ways. Each sort of knowing what the other feels, but still not totally grasping what it may be because it is so personal for each of us.
Another thing I kept saying and thinking during this time was that God was trying to teach me lessons during this season. My husband, who is the most incredible man I know, said something to me recently that really put this part into perspective. He said, God does not have his thumb down on me, forcing me to learn. Rather, he is grieving with me during this process as well. Matt reminded me that while my heart is changing, I am not being punished. I believe, when I think about it and pray about it, that God is protecting my heart and giving me peace and the strength I never knew I had or truly appreciated. I've learned that when I really pray for that change and peace, it is given to me. What a gift!
Finally, I've learned to really tell people what it's like to wait for a baby. In other words, I've learned to do something I've never been overly comfortable doing - I'm letting people know me and my heart. What is amazing to me about this, has been the response from my friends. That, when I get to know people and they get to know me, there is no need for fear because truly wonderful friendships can be formed. It means more friends are praying for us and the peace that comes along with that cannot be measured.
Right now, I am so tremendously thankful to be exactly where I am. Thankful for the people in my life. Thankful for my family. Thankful for the future. And so, we wait some more. It will be OK. Our baby, so like a gift, is not about me...
First, I have learned I am really impatient. I sort of knew this previously, but it has really been brought to the forefront in these last months. Christmases past, before Ainsley, I would sneak a peek at my wrapped gifts under the tree. I stopped doing this after Ainsley was born, because seeing her face when she is surprised reminded me the gifts are not about me, but more about the people who are giving them and why they gave them. Also, I've always read the last few pages of books to ensure they will end happily or, if unhappily, so I can prepare myself. This one was actually an idea planted in my mind after watching one of my favorite movies of all time, When Harry Met Sally. However, I don't read the end for the same reason Harry did. I'm just impatient and feel the need to be prepared for anything. In adoption, or having children at all for that matter, I have learned you simply cannot be prepared for everything. This is where faith has to kick in. At least for me.
Next, I've learned that no ones journey to have a child is the same. Some people are blessed to not have infertility, or miscarriages, or complications during their pregnancies. If you are one of these people, please consider yourself very blessed. In recent months, or even in the past year, I have spoken to so many friends who want children. Whether adopting or trying to have a biological child, the desire is the same. And, it is supposed to be so easy, right? It's not. At least not for so, so many people I know, love, or have read about. However, we all are dealing with this time in our lives in our own ways. Each sort of knowing what the other feels, but still not totally grasping what it may be because it is so personal for each of us.
Another thing I kept saying and thinking during this time was that God was trying to teach me lessons during this season. My husband, who is the most incredible man I know, said something to me recently that really put this part into perspective. He said, God does not have his thumb down on me, forcing me to learn. Rather, he is grieving with me during this process as well. Matt reminded me that while my heart is changing, I am not being punished. I believe, when I think about it and pray about it, that God is protecting my heart and giving me peace and the strength I never knew I had or truly appreciated. I've learned that when I really pray for that change and peace, it is given to me. What a gift!
Finally, I've learned to really tell people what it's like to wait for a baby. In other words, I've learned to do something I've never been overly comfortable doing - I'm letting people know me and my heart. What is amazing to me about this, has been the response from my friends. That, when I get to know people and they get to know me, there is no need for fear because truly wonderful friendships can be formed. It means more friends are praying for us and the peace that comes along with that cannot be measured.
Right now, I am so tremendously thankful to be exactly where I am. Thankful for the people in my life. Thankful for my family. Thankful for the future. And so, we wait some more. It will be OK. Our baby, so like a gift, is not about me...
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