A year ago, if you had talked to me about our adoption, I was very optimistic that it would happen for us very quickly. Matt and I officially began waiting in late September/early October of last year and have now been waiting nine months. Nine months. The amount of time I was pregnant with Ainsley. It is a very bittersweet feeling.
On one hand, I am so, so thankful for this extra time with just Ainsley. Last week, we were able to take her on a family vacation to Disneyland. This is something I have been looking forward to doing with her for nearly four years. And, it was worth the wait. Ainsley had an amazing time! She was able to meet princesses, ride roller coasters, swim, climb through an obstacle course, and slide down a water slide. While there, I couldn't help but notice the number of families who were obviously not blood related, but wholly families nonetheless. It was incredible! I also noticed a lot of babies, (How could I not?!) and thought, "Wow, I'm really glad we're not toting a baby around in these crowds right now." Obviously, if we had a baby right now, we would have just rescheduled this trip to a later date. But, I was so thankful for this special time with our firstborn. So thankful to witness her seeing the "magic" of Disney for the first time.
On the other hand, I am sad that we have not welcomed our second baby yet. For the same amount of time it takes a baby to grow, we have been waiting. Almost immediately after coming home, I began to feel the frustration and anxiety for our baby again. Right now, I just want to throw my hands in the air and give up. But, I won't. I still believe the woman who will trust us enough to let us raise her child is out there. I still believe this is what we are supposed to be doing. It is said over and over again in one way or another - nothing in life is guaranteed. Life is not predictable, nor can it be controlled.
As always, I feel God's hand on my heart, reminding me to be patient. Reminding me to persevere, even when I think I would rather be a coward and just give up.
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