One of the emotions that has bothered me the most during our adoption process is feeling like we are somehow being selfish for wanting more children. Matt and I were blessed to be able to have Ainsley and it is, and was, truly amazing. Ainsley's birthday is next month and as I look back again at my pregnancy and her delivery, I am reminded of the divine intervention that was there. She was (and is) healthy. Despite being four weeks early, we left the hospital within 24 hours of her birth. The gestational blood disorder I encountered was resolved and I am again healthy. Amazing.
Considering the blessing of our daughter, how could I ask for more? I do. So often, I feel like I am being selfish by asking God to bless us with another baby. But, is that selfish? From the moment I found out I was pregnant, my life changed. Things I ate, exercise, my weight, things we used to do... It all changed. In an amazing, good way. After Ainsley was born, I decided to quit my job - a job I was fairly successful in and good at - in order to stay home with her. I couldn't leave the wonder of this little girl. She still amazes me in everything she does. Even when she is most like me and is sassy or bossy, I love it and wouldn't trade it for the world. I love being a mom so much, I want to do it all over again.
Am I selfish? I don't really believe I am. I do believe that through prayer, God gives us the desires of our hearts. Today, I was reminded of the feeling I had when I truly felt God giving me the desire for another baby. Today, I "cried it out" to God. I begged. Recently, I've wanted to throw my hands in and stop waiting. Stop the emotional roller coaster we've been on for the past year. But, I won't do it. He won't let me quit. I am a mom. I am a wife. I am a friend. And, most importantly, God's child. I am on this path for a reason. Someday, I know I will look back on this journey with memories of the lessons I learned, the humility I faced, and the grace given to me over and over again. Amazing.
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