A Changing Heart

Last February my husband, Matt, and I began the process of adopting.  We researched agencies and then met with the one we chose.  As we sat in the office with our soon-to-be caseworker, it was very clear this was the agency for us.  First, they were Christian - our # 1 priority.  Second, as we began to discuss how we came to adopting, we discovered our caseworker, Becky, attends the same church at a different campus.  We felt at ease.  We knew there would be prayer during the process and that was a reassurance.  Over the next two weeks, we began the paperwork.  Nine months later, after a formal application, individual meetings, a home study, etc. we were officially waiting.

Six months after all necessary steps have been completed, we are still waiting.  This has been a very difficult time for me and over the last week I've come to realize a part of why.  First, I'm proud and not in a good way.  I am a good mom, we have a nice home, a nice story, a lot of loving people around us, so how could a birth mother not choose us to adopt her baby?  Secretly, I thought we would be picked very quickly.  And to be honest, we were.  Within a few weeks of waiting, we were placed "on hold" four six weeks by a birth mother in Oregon.  I smugly assumed she would choose us.  She didn't.  That hurt, but I went on believing we'd only be waiting a little longer before we'd be chosen again.  We haven't.  So, we continue to wait.  The ups and downs have been excruciating.

Second, I cared entirely too much about what people thought about why we've not been chosen.  This is more along feeling proud, but I have thought people would think it odd no one has chosen Matt and me for their baby.  I wasn't taking into account that God knows who our baby is, where he or she will come from, and what the ideal time is for this to happen.  Which leads me to my next change of heart...

I thought I could control God.  As a part of our process, we had to complete a profile book for birth mothers to look through in considering the family for their baby.  This book is a compilation of pictures and stories from our life.  It also includes a letter we each wrote to our future birth mother.  I've changed this book twice.  Three months after submitting our original books, I changed them and submitted new ones, asking our caseworker to have them shown instead.  I thought if I prayed and begged enough, something would happen faster.  And then, God showed me I AM NOT IN CONTROL. 

I believe this journey is going to continue to make me raw - make me see things in myself that are uncomfortable to confess.  This is not going to be easy, but this is what God wants me to see; what He wants me to do; what He wants me to change.  A friend of mine recently posted this on her blog, "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called."  This is the path He has called me to be on and I am thankful.  I don't know when our next baby will be here and that's OK.  I do know my heart is going to continue to change for the better in the meantime...