The name Maya was on my short list when Matt and I were pregnant with Ainsley. I thought it was so beautiful, but ultimately Ainsley is an Ainsley. I love her name and it suits her. However, when we found out we would be welcoming a baby girl again, Matt and I pulled out the nifty old baby name book and started having fun. According to our baby book, Maya means "God's creative power" in Hindi. The meaning of the name Grace is quite simple. So, the combination of those two names seemed quite fitting our our newest little blessing - Maya Grace. This post is the story of welcoming her home...
As we left Jacksonville in October, I received a text from Tiffany at the airport. Thus, began an incredibly unique and more amazing relationship than I could ever have thought possible. Over the next two months, Tiffany and I would text nearly daily to say hello or chat about mundane daily occurrences. I had no concept of how God could make something so taboo as an open adoption so peaceful. Having said that, I've been ask a million times just what an open adoption means. So, here's the short answer: Whatever an adoptive family and birth family want it to be. We have friends who's open adoption includes visits with birth parents and grandparents. Other friends have very limited contact or relationship other than the first meeting. For us, it is a blessing.
In late November, Tiffany called me. Initially, I was sure she was calling to tell me she had changed her mind. Most all of our conversations were via text message. So, an actual phone call sent my heart racing. However, she was calling to ask me when we wanted her to schedule to be induced. She explained that because she had an adoption plan, her doctor would schedule her to be induced, no earlier than December 23rd, so that we could be there. From that moment on, I prayed Tiffany actually made it that far. She was already having Braxton Hicks contractions that would knock her off her feet!
On December 18th, we flew to Dallas to be with Matt's family and distract ourselves before heading to Florida. Matt's mom graciously flew with us to Jacksonville at Christmas in order to help with Ainsley and meet her new granddaughter, of course. The four of us flew to Jacksonville on December 22nd and Matt and I picked Tiffany up for breakfast at 4 A.M. on December 23rd. Again, I couldn't eat and again we all chatted comfortably; all excited for what was to come. We arrived at the hospital around 5 A.M. and Tiffany confidently informed everyone that Matt and I were the baby's parents. At 7 A.M., they began the pitocin and a long, difficult labor began. Sometime later, Tiffany's mom and best friend also arrived at the hospital. As the anaesthesiologist was administering the epidural, we all stepped out and were able to speak alone. Tiffany's mom thanked me for being there for her daughter and being an encouragement to her. As we both cried, I hugged her and thanked her as well. It was all such a beautiful moment. We headed back in to coach Tiffany along for the most difficult part of the delivery yet - pushing. At one point, I was able to stand beside holding one of Tiffany's legs and coaching her along. I was standing right next to her until a nurse politely told me I needed to move because, "...this baby is about to be born!" And then, it happened and I saw my beautiful second baby girl come into this world healthy and screaming. Praise God!
From the time we arrived at the hospital to the moment Maya was born, Tiffany never wavered and was very clear that I was Maya's mother and that I would be the first person to hold her. It could not have been more perfect. Maya Grace was born December 23rd at 7:29 PM, weighing a tiny 5lbs, 14oz (2 oz bigger than Ainsley) and measuring 19" long. She had a head full of beautiful black hair.
All this time, the entire day, Matt sat waiting anxiously in the waiting room. I stepped away for one hour to grab dinner with him, but otherwise, we spoke via text message all day. At approximately 7:40, Matt received a picture of Maya and me. Another 15 minutes later, he was welcomed into the room and able to meet his daughter as well. So now what?
We left the hospital that evening without our baby girl and were told it was hospital policy to not release infants until 48 hours (unless they were being released with their mother, of course). Maya spent the night in the NICUNICU. I breathed a tremendous sigh of relief. Maya was ours. The NICU had a bonding room where Matt and I were able to finally pray over our baby girl and hold her skin-to-skin.
We stopped by Tiffany's apartment on the way to the hospital the next day to get a gift Tiffany and her mom had for Maya. This gift was addressed to "Maya's Parents" and will always be treasured. We brought our baby girl "home" to the condo we were staying in on Christmas Day. Bringing Maya home to our family was the most blessed Christmas gift we have ever received. From this point, we had to wait for the state of Florida to approve the adoption before we could leave. However, we could not return home to Seattle until Washington had also approved the adoption. And... It was the holidays. We had an amazing week in Florida bonding as a family and playing on the beach. Once Florida approved the adoption, we flew back to Dallas until Washington approved everything - which ended up being about four days. On January 4th, we flew home as a family of four. But, there is still so much more... All this time, little odd blessings occurred, all God's creative power so visible to our eyes. Amazing grace in welcoming our Maya Grace...
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Meeting
Living in Seattle, flying to Jacksonville, Florida in the middle of October was quite appealing. Because of this, Matt and I chose to stay in a hotel near the beach. It was about 30 minutes from Mark's office, but on a Saturday morning, the commute was nice and we were able to just chat and enjoy the bright sun. Upon arriving at Mark's office, we were unsure. If we had not researched him beforehand, we would have been very nervous. As it turned out, he works out of his old remodeled home along with his wife who is the office paralegal. In conversation, we found out they have four adopted children of their own. Mark, who is very lawyer-like, greeted us and welcomed us into a seating area and began explaining how meeting our potential birth mom (or parents) would go. He ran through all the questions he thought we should ask and basically told us there were not any questions off limits.
After chatting with him for nearly 30 minutes, a cab arrived in front of the house. I could barely see Tiffany as she began to walk towards the house and I think I was holding my breath. And then, I saw her face. Other adoptive families had spoken to us about how much their birth mom looked like them or other members of their families, but I was skeptical. However, Tiffany looks so much like she could be a part of Matt's family it is uncanny. My initial impression of her was that she was hard. It was like she had armor on and was ready to shield herself from anything that might hurt. Mark introduced us and, again, reminded Tiffany and us that nothing was off limits. He told her that if any point she, or us, felt uncomfortable to call him and he would call a cab service for Tiffany again. After about 15 minutes of conversation, Mark encouraged us to go to a cafe a few blocks away. At that point Matt, Tiffany, and I left Mark's office and drove to the cafe. It was one of the most surreal moments of my life. We were getting in the car with a perfect stranger who knew 25 things about us, had seen four pictures, and we were hoping would feel confident enough in us to give us her unborn baby.
I had eaten breakfast beforehand, but Tiffany was hungry and Matt ate again to be polite. We spoke openly about what brought her to her decision to give her baby for adoption right there in the crowded cafe. While her story is not mine to share, I can say Tiffany was absolutely everything we'd been praying for all that time. She said the exact words I'd prayed our birth mom would say. She told us that when she went to the emergency clinic to talk about terminating her pregnancy, God put it in her heart that this was not intended to be her child and that she couldn't kill the baby. She told us God intended this baby for someone else and that from that moment on, she began to pursue adoption. Andre, the birth father, had already signed the paperwork to terminate his rights. After breakfast, none of us were quite ready to part ways, so Tiffany decided to show us around where she lives. We walked around a shopping mall with her for another hour or so, just chatting. At the end of all of this, she asked if we could drive her home instead of having to call the cab. On the way to her apartment, Tiffany asked if we would like the sonogram photos. As she handed them to me, my hands trembled. I was holding the first pictures of my healthy baby girl! We hugged goodbye and as Matt and I drove away, we had to stop the car and both started to cry.
Mark sent us a text later that day to inform us we were "officially matched." Matt, Ainsley, and I would be welcoming a baby girl right around Christmas! And so we waited with great anticipation...
After chatting with him for nearly 30 minutes, a cab arrived in front of the house. I could barely see Tiffany as she began to walk towards the house and I think I was holding my breath. And then, I saw her face. Other adoptive families had spoken to us about how much their birth mom looked like them or other members of their families, but I was skeptical. However, Tiffany looks so much like she could be a part of Matt's family it is uncanny. My initial impression of her was that she was hard. It was like she had armor on and was ready to shield herself from anything that might hurt. Mark introduced us and, again, reminded Tiffany and us that nothing was off limits. He told her that if any point she, or us, felt uncomfortable to call him and he would call a cab service for Tiffany again. After about 15 minutes of conversation, Mark encouraged us to go to a cafe a few blocks away. At that point Matt, Tiffany, and I left Mark's office and drove to the cafe. It was one of the most surreal moments of my life. We were getting in the car with a perfect stranger who knew 25 things about us, had seen four pictures, and we were hoping would feel confident enough in us to give us her unborn baby.
I had eaten breakfast beforehand, but Tiffany was hungry and Matt ate again to be polite. We spoke openly about what brought her to her decision to give her baby for adoption right there in the crowded cafe. While her story is not mine to share, I can say Tiffany was absolutely everything we'd been praying for all that time. She said the exact words I'd prayed our birth mom would say. She told us that when she went to the emergency clinic to talk about terminating her pregnancy, God put it in her heart that this was not intended to be her child and that she couldn't kill the baby. She told us God intended this baby for someone else and that from that moment on, she began to pursue adoption. Andre, the birth father, had already signed the paperwork to terminate his rights. After breakfast, none of us were quite ready to part ways, so Tiffany decided to show us around where she lives. We walked around a shopping mall with her for another hour or so, just chatting. At the end of all of this, she asked if we could drive her home instead of having to call the cab. On the way to her apartment, Tiffany asked if we would like the sonogram photos. As she handed them to me, my hands trembled. I was holding the first pictures of my healthy baby girl! We hugged goodbye and as Matt and I drove away, we had to stop the car and both started to cry.
Mark sent us a text later that day to inform us we were "officially matched." Matt, Ainsley, and I would be welcoming a baby girl right around Christmas! And so we waited with great anticipation...
Where I left off...
It is truly amazing what God can do in an incredibly short amount of time. The last post I wrote was July 22nd, 2011. Today, our big girl is almost five and our BABY girl is nearly four months. As is with most new babies, the first couple of months were a bit of an adjustment and it was tough for a while. But, I can honestly say, at this point, Maya Grace is a very happy, easy-going baby and we couldn't be more thankful. But, I'm skipping ahead... This is how we met Maya...
Last summer, I began to feel a bit hopeless in our pursuit of adoption. Maybe we'd misunderstood God's calling? Maybe this just wasn't the right time? Around late June/early July, we attended the first adoption group at our church and were introduced to a few amazing families who'd adopted domestically, internationally, and through foster care. On July 25th, 2011, Matt and I met with an adoption attorney in Seattle in order to chat about independent adoption. This term was a bit foreign to us and we wanted to make sure adoption could happen this way safely. At the end of a very encouraging conversation, we'd decided to open a "call file" with the attorney's office and to pursue an independent home study with a social worker we'd been given the name of through new friends at church. We then met with the social worker in Bellingham, WA and felt she was a great fit for us. She'd been helping adoptive families for nearly 30 years and her knowledge and resources were so encouraging. God had opened yet another window just as I was not trusting and was about to allow my fear and insecurity get in the way of His plan.
We completed our second home study by the end of August - nearly a year after we began waiting with the big box agency. In mid-September, JoAnn, our social worker, sent us the name of an attorney in Florida. She had been on his email list for quite some time and, while never had a family adopt directly through him, she knew he had a good reputation. The attorney, Mark, was listed as a reference in pregnancy emergency clinics and through the state of Florida for women considering placing their baby for adoption. JoAnn encouraged us to email Mark to receive potential situations we may consider applying for. I emailed Mark in early October. On Monday, a week later, he emailed back telling me he would be happy to add us to his distribution list, but in the meantime, to please take a look and consider the situation he had right then. The birth mother was very anxious to choose an adoptive family, as she had already chosen one once, but the family had decided to adopt through their agency in New York instead. That evening, Matt and I read through the information regarding the birth parents and baby. Everything was exactly as we'd hoped a situation could be for us, so we decided to apply. We submitted a 25 question questionnaire and four images of us and our home. Hours upon hours of redoing our profile albums and this was all she received. On Wednesday morning, Mark called while Ainsley and I were in perhaps the loudest place possible - the play feature at the mall. He insisted Matt and I both be on the call in order to give us more detail regarding the birth parents and to ask us to fly to Jacksonville as soon as possible to meet them.
Matt immediately left work and booked flights for us to Dallas the next day, Thursday, in order for Ainsley to stay with his parents. He and I were then going to fly to Jacksonville on Friday in order to meet the birth mom on Saturday. Wednesday night, I got food poisoning. Between nerves of meeting this young woman, food poisoning, and my fear of flying, at 5 A.M. Thursday, it was very obvious, we were not flying to Dallas. We did the next best thing and called my dear friend and asked if Ainsley could stay with them while we flew to Florida. We flew to Jacksonville on Friday and arrived late that evening.
In order to distract ourselves, we allowed ourselves to have a little fun on Friday evening and chatted about names and how we'd decorate the nursery. We knew the baby was a girl and were thrilled to pull out the baby name book again and look back at names we'd thought of when we were pregnant. We decided we'd decorate the nursery in an owl theme. We woke early Saturday morning in order to drive to Mark's office in downtown Jacksonville. While waiting to leave, I stepped out on the balcony of our hotel room in order to pray. As I finished my prayer, I heard a funny noise - it was an owl. Matt came out at that point and heard it as well. The peace God gave me in that very moment was simply amazing. All my nervousness was gone - completely gone.
Last summer, I began to feel a bit hopeless in our pursuit of adoption. Maybe we'd misunderstood God's calling? Maybe this just wasn't the right time? Around late June/early July, we attended the first adoption group at our church and were introduced to a few amazing families who'd adopted domestically, internationally, and through foster care. On July 25th, 2011, Matt and I met with an adoption attorney in Seattle in order to chat about independent adoption. This term was a bit foreign to us and we wanted to make sure adoption could happen this way safely. At the end of a very encouraging conversation, we'd decided to open a "call file" with the attorney's office and to pursue an independent home study with a social worker we'd been given the name of through new friends at church. We then met with the social worker in Bellingham, WA and felt she was a great fit for us. She'd been helping adoptive families for nearly 30 years and her knowledge and resources were so encouraging. God had opened yet another window just as I was not trusting and was about to allow my fear and insecurity get in the way of His plan.
We completed our second home study by the end of August - nearly a year after we began waiting with the big box agency. In mid-September, JoAnn, our social worker, sent us the name of an attorney in Florida. She had been on his email list for quite some time and, while never had a family adopt directly through him, she knew he had a good reputation. The attorney, Mark, was listed as a reference in pregnancy emergency clinics and through the state of Florida for women considering placing their baby for adoption. JoAnn encouraged us to email Mark to receive potential situations we may consider applying for. I emailed Mark in early October. On Monday, a week later, he emailed back telling me he would be happy to add us to his distribution list, but in the meantime, to please take a look and consider the situation he had right then. The birth mother was very anxious to choose an adoptive family, as she had already chosen one once, but the family had decided to adopt through their agency in New York instead. That evening, Matt and I read through the information regarding the birth parents and baby. Everything was exactly as we'd hoped a situation could be for us, so we decided to apply. We submitted a 25 question questionnaire and four images of us and our home. Hours upon hours of redoing our profile albums and this was all she received. On Wednesday morning, Mark called while Ainsley and I were in perhaps the loudest place possible - the play feature at the mall. He insisted Matt and I both be on the call in order to give us more detail regarding the birth parents and to ask us to fly to Jacksonville as soon as possible to meet them.
Matt immediately left work and booked flights for us to Dallas the next day, Thursday, in order for Ainsley to stay with his parents. He and I were then going to fly to Jacksonville on Friday in order to meet the birth mom on Saturday. Wednesday night, I got food poisoning. Between nerves of meeting this young woman, food poisoning, and my fear of flying, at 5 A.M. Thursday, it was very obvious, we were not flying to Dallas. We did the next best thing and called my dear friend and asked if Ainsley could stay with them while we flew to Florida. We flew to Jacksonville on Friday and arrived late that evening.
In order to distract ourselves, we allowed ourselves to have a little fun on Friday evening and chatted about names and how we'd decorate the nursery. We knew the baby was a girl and were thrilled to pull out the baby name book again and look back at names we'd thought of when we were pregnant. We decided we'd decorate the nursery in an owl theme. We woke early Saturday morning in order to drive to Mark's office in downtown Jacksonville. While waiting to leave, I stepped out on the balcony of our hotel room in order to pray. As I finished my prayer, I heard a funny noise - it was an owl. Matt came out at that point and heard it as well. The peace God gave me in that very moment was simply amazing. All my nervousness was gone - completely gone.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Selfish & Amazing
One of the emotions that has bothered me the most during our adoption process is feeling like we are somehow being selfish for wanting more children. Matt and I were blessed to be able to have Ainsley and it is, and was, truly amazing. Ainsley's birthday is next month and as I look back again at my pregnancy and her delivery, I am reminded of the divine intervention that was there. She was (and is) healthy. Despite being four weeks early, we left the hospital within 24 hours of her birth. The gestational blood disorder I encountered was resolved and I am again healthy. Amazing.
Considering the blessing of our daughter, how could I ask for more? I do. So often, I feel like I am being selfish by asking God to bless us with another baby. But, is that selfish? From the moment I found out I was pregnant, my life changed. Things I ate, exercise, my weight, things we used to do... It all changed. In an amazing, good way. After Ainsley was born, I decided to quit my job - a job I was fairly successful in and good at - in order to stay home with her. I couldn't leave the wonder of this little girl. She still amazes me in everything she does. Even when she is most like me and is sassy or bossy, I love it and wouldn't trade it for the world. I love being a mom so much, I want to do it all over again.
Am I selfish? I don't really believe I am. I do believe that through prayer, God gives us the desires of our hearts. Today, I was reminded of the feeling I had when I truly felt God giving me the desire for another baby. Today, I "cried it out" to God. I begged. Recently, I've wanted to throw my hands in and stop waiting. Stop the emotional roller coaster we've been on for the past year. But, I won't do it. He won't let me quit. I am a mom. I am a wife. I am a friend. And, most importantly, God's child. I am on this path for a reason. Someday, I know I will look back on this journey with memories of the lessons I learned, the humility I faced, and the grace given to me over and over again. Amazing.
Considering the blessing of our daughter, how could I ask for more? I do. So often, I feel like I am being selfish by asking God to bless us with another baby. But, is that selfish? From the moment I found out I was pregnant, my life changed. Things I ate, exercise, my weight, things we used to do... It all changed. In an amazing, good way. After Ainsley was born, I decided to quit my job - a job I was fairly successful in and good at - in order to stay home with her. I couldn't leave the wonder of this little girl. She still amazes me in everything she does. Even when she is most like me and is sassy or bossy, I love it and wouldn't trade it for the world. I love being a mom so much, I want to do it all over again.
Am I selfish? I don't really believe I am. I do believe that through prayer, God gives us the desires of our hearts. Today, I was reminded of the feeling I had when I truly felt God giving me the desire for another baby. Today, I "cried it out" to God. I begged. Recently, I've wanted to throw my hands in and stop waiting. Stop the emotional roller coaster we've been on for the past year. But, I won't do it. He won't let me quit. I am a mom. I am a wife. I am a friend. And, most importantly, God's child. I am on this path for a reason. Someday, I know I will look back on this journey with memories of the lessons I learned, the humility I faced, and the grace given to me over and over again. Amazing.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Nine Months... And counting...
A year ago, if you had talked to me about our adoption, I was very optimistic that it would happen for us very quickly. Matt and I officially began waiting in late September/early October of last year and have now been waiting nine months. Nine months. The amount of time I was pregnant with Ainsley. It is a very bittersweet feeling.
On one hand, I am so, so thankful for this extra time with just Ainsley. Last week, we were able to take her on a family vacation to Disneyland. This is something I have been looking forward to doing with her for nearly four years. And, it was worth the wait. Ainsley had an amazing time! She was able to meet princesses, ride roller coasters, swim, climb through an obstacle course, and slide down a water slide. While there, I couldn't help but notice the number of families who were obviously not blood related, but wholly families nonetheless. It was incredible! I also noticed a lot of babies, (How could I not?!) and thought, "Wow, I'm really glad we're not toting a baby around in these crowds right now." Obviously, if we had a baby right now, we would have just rescheduled this trip to a later date. But, I was so thankful for this special time with our firstborn. So thankful to witness her seeing the "magic" of Disney for the first time.
On the other hand, I am sad that we have not welcomed our second baby yet. For the same amount of time it takes a baby to grow, we have been waiting. Almost immediately after coming home, I began to feel the frustration and anxiety for our baby again. Right now, I just want to throw my hands in the air and give up. But, I won't. I still believe the woman who will trust us enough to let us raise her child is out there. I still believe this is what we are supposed to be doing. It is said over and over again in one way or another - nothing in life is guaranteed. Life is not predictable, nor can it be controlled.
As always, I feel God's hand on my heart, reminding me to be patient. Reminding me to persevere, even when I think I would rather be a coward and just give up.
On one hand, I am so, so thankful for this extra time with just Ainsley. Last week, we were able to take her on a family vacation to Disneyland. This is something I have been looking forward to doing with her for nearly four years. And, it was worth the wait. Ainsley had an amazing time! She was able to meet princesses, ride roller coasters, swim, climb through an obstacle course, and slide down a water slide. While there, I couldn't help but notice the number of families who were obviously not blood related, but wholly families nonetheless. It was incredible! I also noticed a lot of babies, (How could I not?!) and thought, "Wow, I'm really glad we're not toting a baby around in these crowds right now." Obviously, if we had a baby right now, we would have just rescheduled this trip to a later date. But, I was so thankful for this special time with our firstborn. So thankful to witness her seeing the "magic" of Disney for the first time.
On the other hand, I am sad that we have not welcomed our second baby yet. For the same amount of time it takes a baby to grow, we have been waiting. Almost immediately after coming home, I began to feel the frustration and anxiety for our baby again. Right now, I just want to throw my hands in the air and give up. But, I won't. I still believe the woman who will trust us enough to let us raise her child is out there. I still believe this is what we are supposed to be doing. It is said over and over again in one way or another - nothing in life is guaranteed. Life is not predictable, nor can it be controlled.
As always, I feel God's hand on my heart, reminding me to be patient. Reminding me to persevere, even when I think I would rather be a coward and just give up.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Things I've learned, so far...
Yesterday, I was thinking through a few of the things I've learned about adoption, trying to have a baby, and myself in the last year. So, here goes...
First, I have learned I am really impatient. I sort of knew this previously, but it has really been brought to the forefront in these last months. Christmases past, before Ainsley, I would sneak a peek at my wrapped gifts under the tree. I stopped doing this after Ainsley was born, because seeing her face when she is surprised reminded me the gifts are not about me, but more about the people who are giving them and why they gave them. Also, I've always read the last few pages of books to ensure they will end happily or, if unhappily, so I can prepare myself. This one was actually an idea planted in my mind after watching one of my favorite movies of all time, When Harry Met Sally. However, I don't read the end for the same reason Harry did. I'm just impatient and feel the need to be prepared for anything. In adoption, or having children at all for that matter, I have learned you simply cannot be prepared for everything. This is where faith has to kick in. At least for me.
Next, I've learned that no ones journey to have a child is the same. Some people are blessed to not have infertility, or miscarriages, or complications during their pregnancies. If you are one of these people, please consider yourself very blessed. In recent months, or even in the past year, I have spoken to so many friends who want children. Whether adopting or trying to have a biological child, the desire is the same. And, it is supposed to be so easy, right? It's not. At least not for so, so many people I know, love, or have read about. However, we all are dealing with this time in our lives in our own ways. Each sort of knowing what the other feels, but still not totally grasping what it may be because it is so personal for each of us.
Another thing I kept saying and thinking during this time was that God was trying to teach me lessons during this season. My husband, who is the most incredible man I know, said something to me recently that really put this part into perspective. He said, God does not have his thumb down on me, forcing me to learn. Rather, he is grieving with me during this process as well. Matt reminded me that while my heart is changing, I am not being punished. I believe, when I think about it and pray about it, that God is protecting my heart and giving me peace and the strength I never knew I had or truly appreciated. I've learned that when I really pray for that change and peace, it is given to me. What a gift!
Finally, I've learned to really tell people what it's like to wait for a baby. In other words, I've learned to do something I've never been overly comfortable doing - I'm letting people know me and my heart. What is amazing to me about this, has been the response from my friends. That, when I get to know people and they get to know me, there is no need for fear because truly wonderful friendships can be formed. It means more friends are praying for us and the peace that comes along with that cannot be measured.
Right now, I am so tremendously thankful to be exactly where I am. Thankful for the people in my life. Thankful for my family. Thankful for the future. And so, we wait some more. It will be OK. Our baby, so like a gift, is not about me...
First, I have learned I am really impatient. I sort of knew this previously, but it has really been brought to the forefront in these last months. Christmases past, before Ainsley, I would sneak a peek at my wrapped gifts under the tree. I stopped doing this after Ainsley was born, because seeing her face when she is surprised reminded me the gifts are not about me, but more about the people who are giving them and why they gave them. Also, I've always read the last few pages of books to ensure they will end happily or, if unhappily, so I can prepare myself. This one was actually an idea planted in my mind after watching one of my favorite movies of all time, When Harry Met Sally. However, I don't read the end for the same reason Harry did. I'm just impatient and feel the need to be prepared for anything. In adoption, or having children at all for that matter, I have learned you simply cannot be prepared for everything. This is where faith has to kick in. At least for me.
Next, I've learned that no ones journey to have a child is the same. Some people are blessed to not have infertility, or miscarriages, or complications during their pregnancies. If you are one of these people, please consider yourself very blessed. In recent months, or even in the past year, I have spoken to so many friends who want children. Whether adopting or trying to have a biological child, the desire is the same. And, it is supposed to be so easy, right? It's not. At least not for so, so many people I know, love, or have read about. However, we all are dealing with this time in our lives in our own ways. Each sort of knowing what the other feels, but still not totally grasping what it may be because it is so personal for each of us.
Another thing I kept saying and thinking during this time was that God was trying to teach me lessons during this season. My husband, who is the most incredible man I know, said something to me recently that really put this part into perspective. He said, God does not have his thumb down on me, forcing me to learn. Rather, he is grieving with me during this process as well. Matt reminded me that while my heart is changing, I am not being punished. I believe, when I think about it and pray about it, that God is protecting my heart and giving me peace and the strength I never knew I had or truly appreciated. I've learned that when I really pray for that change and peace, it is given to me. What a gift!
Finally, I've learned to really tell people what it's like to wait for a baby. In other words, I've learned to do something I've never been overly comfortable doing - I'm letting people know me and my heart. What is amazing to me about this, has been the response from my friends. That, when I get to know people and they get to know me, there is no need for fear because truly wonderful friendships can be formed. It means more friends are praying for us and the peace that comes along with that cannot be measured.
Right now, I am so tremendously thankful to be exactly where I am. Thankful for the people in my life. Thankful for my family. Thankful for the future. And so, we wait some more. It will be OK. Our baby, so like a gift, is not about me...
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Waiting Game
OK, so, I've not been nearly as great at blogging as I aspired to be at the beginning. This is mostly because, I am just kind of whiny lately. There are times I really think I sound quite like my nearly-4-year-old about this whole adoption process. "Has it happened yet?" "Has it happened yet?" "Is it going to happen?" "When will it happen?" The funny thing about this is that when my daughter asks me constant questions like this, I get kind of annoyed. However, my annoying questions are going to God. I take comfort in knowing He isn't annoyed with me and that in truth, like me with my daughter, He is teaching me during this waiting season. He is teaching me patience far beyond what I thought I could be capable of. Obviously, I will never be patient like God and, like any child, I am not necessarily taking this lesson well. I'm still whining and complaining quite a bit. However, I feel myself recognizing my attitude and am truly working on stopping the whining. I think by recognizing my attitude, especially by paralleling it to a nearly-four-year-old's, God has shown me something pretty important.
Lately, I am also trying to distract myself - a lot. First, it was with a new profile album. Yes, previously I said I would not do this again, but the newest one really is the best. It is all colorful and happy looking. I love it! If you're curious what this looks like, here is the link (http://www1.snapfish.com/snapfish/projectshareewelcome/l=6314857002/p=85181305761662117/g=24925953/cobrandOid=1000/COBRAND_NAME=snapfish/otsc=SYE/otsi=SPBKlink/). Matt and I also decided to go ahead and put together a video to go along with our online profile. I had a blast putting this together and am so excited for how it turned out. I included the video on my last blog post. These were great distractions right now. We have also decided to take a family vacation to Disneyland. Ainsley is at the perfect age to go now and we just quite frankly need to get away. I am so excited! In fact, my mother-in-law decided to come with us which means Matt and I will even get an evening out! Now, I do realize we cannot take a vacation anytime I need a distraction from waiting, but as the summer and year moves on, there is plenty of fun to look forward to. Matt and my 13th anniversary, Ainsley's 4th birthday, summer swimming lessons, park days, a summer camp, my birthday, and then we get into the holidays. Very exciting!
I find it fascinating what God reminds us of in our quiet moments. For example, it was while thinking about blogging, I realized I am acting a bit like a child and whining. Not a great thing... However, also during this time I realized what great blessings I have to continue to look forward to. So, the waiting game continues - distracting and praying. Most importantly, praying. It's really all I can do...
Lately, I am also trying to distract myself - a lot. First, it was with a new profile album. Yes, previously I said I would not do this again, but the newest one really is the best. It is all colorful and happy looking. I love it! If you're curious what this looks like, here is the link (http://www1.snapfish.com/snapfish/projectshareewelcome/l=6314857002/p=85181305761662117/g=24925953/cobrandOid=1000/COBRAND_NAME=snapfish/otsc=SYE/otsi=SPBKlink/). Matt and I also decided to go ahead and put together a video to go along with our online profile. I had a blast putting this together and am so excited for how it turned out. I included the video on my last blog post. These were great distractions right now. We have also decided to take a family vacation to Disneyland. Ainsley is at the perfect age to go now and we just quite frankly need to get away. I am so excited! In fact, my mother-in-law decided to come with us which means Matt and I will even get an evening out! Now, I do realize we cannot take a vacation anytime I need a distraction from waiting, but as the summer and year moves on, there is plenty of fun to look forward to. Matt and my 13th anniversary, Ainsley's 4th birthday, summer swimming lessons, park days, a summer camp, my birthday, and then we get into the holidays. Very exciting!
I find it fascinating what God reminds us of in our quiet moments. For example, it was while thinking about blogging, I realized I am acting a bit like a child and whining. Not a great thing... However, also during this time I realized what great blessings I have to continue to look forward to. So, the waiting game continues - distracting and praying. Most importantly, praying. It's really all I can do...
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