Terrified

Something I only really vaguely thought about so far in our adoption is our relationship with our baby's birth parent(s).  However, in the last few days, I feel like I have been forced to look at and evaluate what this relationship will be and why it is so important.  When Matt and I first began this journey, we were pretty sure we wanted a closed adoption.  We had this nonsensical idea that "open adoption" meant co-parenting.  We mindlessly and selfishly thought we'd have this other family dictating how to raise our kids.  Literally, fifteen minutes before we walked into our adoption agency for the first time, I received an email from an old high school friend.  She told me her sister had given up her son for adoption years ago and that it was an open adoption.  She explained that for her family to be able to see that little boy grow through the years provided so much peace for her sister and her family.  The photos of him and few visits her sister has had provide comfort.  This changed Matt and my perspective.  Pretty far into the process, almost near the end really, we were required to attend a day of "training".  I use the word "training" lightly for several reasons.  First, I don't think anyone can prepare you to be a parent.  Let alone an adoptive parent.  Second, Matt and I really had no idea what we were walking into on this day.  For starters, we didn't totally pay attention and thought it was only four hours long.  WRONG.  It was eight.  Eight hours of information from an attorney and then adoptive families.  The families were what we were not emotionally prepared for. 

First, the women who had sacrificially given their babies to families blew me away.  They were articulate, kind, and struggling.  Each one of these women ultimately wanted the same thing - a stable, safe, and loving home for the child they loved, but for one reason or another they could not raise.  Next, the adoptive families arrived to talk about their journey to receive there little ones.  There were three of them.  While listening on this day, it was apparent, more like a slap in the face kind of wake up call, that our relationship with our birth mother (or birth parents/birth family) will work because it is simply God working through the whole process anyway.  This relationship will work because God will make it work.  Believe me, I am not under any false pretenses that this relationship will necessarily be easy.  In fact, it's still quite the contrary - I am terrified.  Who will this woman be?  Where will she come from?  What will her expectations be? 

One of my greatest fears is being judged.  For any and everything.  From the way I style my hair to the way I practice my faith.  And yet, here I am.  I am going to be judged.  I am going to be evaluated so critically by a person I will not know at all.  And I should be.  The fit between our birth mother and us should be evaluated and prayed over thoughtfully.  Because, ultimately, from the time we are chosen, we will be connected.  We will be connected through a tiny baby for life.  This is why I am praying for patience.  This is why I am willing to wait.  Because, when the fit finally occurs, it will be a blessing from God.  Yes, I believe this wholeheartedly.  We will fit because we are meant to fit.  All of the band-aids will be off and our lives will be shared. 

These last few days, I have been terrified of this relationship just like I was at the beginning.  I've been forced to really think about this relationship.  However, as I am writing this right now, I'm feeling it subside yet again.  Just like it did on our training day.  The woman God only knows at this point, will have a relationship with us according to Him.  And it will work.  And rather than being terrified, I am getting excited!