Selfish & Amazing

One of the emotions that has bothered me the most during our adoption process is feeling like we are somehow being selfish for wanting more children.  Matt and I were blessed to be able to have Ainsley and it is, and was, truly amazing.  Ainsley's birthday is next month and as I look back again at my pregnancy and her delivery, I am reminded of the divine intervention that was there.  She was (and is) healthy.  Despite being four weeks early, we left the hospital within 24 hours of her birth.  The gestational blood disorder I encountered was resolved and I am again healthy.  Amazing.

Considering the blessing of our daughter, how could I ask for more?  I do.  So often, I feel like I am being selfish by asking God to bless us with another baby.  But, is that selfish?  From the moment I found out I was pregnant, my life changed.  Things I ate, exercise, my weight, things we used to do...  It all changed.  In an amazing, good way.  After Ainsley was born, I decided to quit my job - a job I was fairly successful in and good at - in order to stay home with her.  I couldn't leave the wonder of this little girl.  She still amazes me in everything she does.  Even when she is most like me and is sassy or bossy, I love it and wouldn't trade it for the world.  I love being a mom so much, I want to do it all over again. 

Am I selfish?  I don't really believe I am.  I do believe that through prayer, God gives us the desires of our hearts.  Today, I was reminded of the feeling I had when I truly felt God giving me the desire for another baby.  Today, I "cried it out" to God.  I begged.  Recently, I've wanted to throw my hands in and stop waiting.  Stop the emotional roller coaster we've been on for the past year.  But, I won't do it.  He won't let me quit.  I am a mom.  I am a wife.  I am a friend.  And, most importantly, God's child.  I am on this path for a reason.  Someday, I know I will look back on this journey with memories of the lessons I learned, the humility I faced, and the grace given to me over and over again.  Amazing. 

Nine Months... And counting...

A year ago, if you had talked to me about our adoption, I was very optimistic that it would happen for us very quickly.  Matt and I officially began waiting in late September/early October of last year and have now been waiting nine months.  Nine months.  The amount of time I was pregnant with Ainsley.  It is a very bittersweet feeling. 

On one hand, I am so, so thankful for this extra time with just Ainsley.  Last week, we were able to take her on a family vacation to Disneyland.  This is something I have been looking forward to doing with her for nearly four years.  And, it was worth the wait.  Ainsley had an amazing time!  She was able to meet princesses, ride roller coasters, swim, climb through an obstacle course, and slide down a water slide.  While there, I couldn't help but notice the number of families who were obviously not blood related, but wholly families nonetheless.  It was incredible!  I also noticed a lot of babies,  (How could I not?!) and thought, "Wow, I'm really glad we're not toting a baby around in these crowds right now."  Obviously, if we had a baby right now, we would have just rescheduled this trip to a later date.  But, I was so thankful for this special time with our firstborn.  So thankful to witness her seeing the "magic" of Disney for the first time. 

On the other hand, I am sad that we have not welcomed our second baby yet.  For the same amount of time it takes a baby to grow, we have been waiting.  Almost immediately after coming home, I began to feel the frustration and anxiety for our baby again.  Right now, I just want to throw my hands in the air and give up.  But, I won't.  I still believe the woman who will trust us enough to let us raise her child is out there.  I still believe this is what we are supposed to be doing.  It is said over and over again in one way or another - nothing in life is guaranteed.  Life is not predictable, nor can it be controlled. 

As always, I feel God's hand on my heart, reminding me to be patient.  Reminding me to persevere, even when I think I would rather be a coward and just give up. 

Things I've learned, so far...

Yesterday, I was thinking through a few of the things I've learned about adoption, trying to have a baby, and myself in the last year.  So, here goes...

First, I have learned I am really impatient.  I sort of knew this previously, but it has really been brought to the forefront in these last months.  Christmases past, before Ainsley, I would sneak a peek at my wrapped gifts under the tree.  I stopped doing this after Ainsley was born, because seeing her face when she is surprised reminded me the gifts are not about me, but more about the people who are giving them and why they gave them.  Also, I've always read the last few pages of books to ensure they will end happily or, if unhappily, so I can prepare myself.  This one was actually an idea planted in my mind after watching one of my favorite movies of all time, When Harry Met Sally.  However, I don't read the end for the same reason Harry did.  I'm just impatient and feel the need to be prepared for anything.  In adoption, or having children at all for that matter, I have learned you simply cannot be prepared for everything.  This is where faith has to kick in.  At least for me.

Next, I've learned that no ones journey to have a child is the same.  Some people are blessed to not have infertility, or miscarriages, or complications during their pregnancies.  If you are one of these people, please consider yourself very blessed.  In recent months, or even in the past year, I have spoken to so many friends who want children.  Whether adopting or trying to have a biological child, the desire is the same.  And, it is supposed to be so easy, right?  It's not.  At least not for so, so many people I know, love, or have read about.  However, we all are dealing with this time in our lives in our own ways.  Each sort of knowing what the other feels, but still not totally grasping what it may be because it is so personal for each of us. 

Another thing I kept saying and thinking during this time was that God was trying to teach me lessons during this season.  My husband, who is the most incredible man I know, said something to me recently that really put this part into perspective.  He said, God does not have his thumb down on me, forcing me to learn.  Rather, he is grieving with me during this process as well.  Matt reminded me that while my heart is changing, I am not being punished.  I believe, when I think about it and pray about it, that God is protecting my heart and giving me peace and the strength I never knew I had or truly appreciated.  I've learned that when I really pray for that change and peace, it is given to me.  What a gift! 

Finally, I've learned to really tell people what it's like to wait for a baby.  In other words, I've learned to do something I've never been overly comfortable doing - I'm letting people know me and my heart.  What is amazing to me about this, has been the response from my friends.  That, when I get to know people and they get to know me, there is no need for fear because truly wonderful friendships can be formed.  It means more friends are praying for us and the peace that comes along with that cannot be measured. 

Right now, I am so tremendously thankful to be exactly where I am.  Thankful for the people in my life.  Thankful for my family.  Thankful for the future.  And so, we wait some more.  It will be OK.  Our baby, so like a gift, is not about me...

The Waiting Game

OK, so, I've not been nearly as great at blogging as I aspired to be at the beginning.  This is mostly because, I am just kind of whiny lately.  There are times I really think I sound quite like my nearly-4-year-old about this whole adoption process.  "Has it happened yet?"  "Has it happened yet?"  "Is it going to happen?"  "When will it happen?"  The funny thing about this is that when my daughter asks me constant questions like this, I get kind of annoyed.  However, my annoying questions are going to God.  I take comfort in knowing He isn't annoyed with me and that in truth, like me with my daughter, He is teaching me during this waiting season.  He is teaching me patience far beyond what I thought I could be capable of.  Obviously, I will never be patient like God and, like any child, I am not necessarily taking this lesson well.  I'm still whining and complaining quite a bit.  However, I feel myself recognizing my attitude and am truly working on stopping the whining.  I think by recognizing my attitude, especially by paralleling it to a nearly-four-year-old's, God has shown me something pretty important. 

Lately, I am also trying to distract myself - a lot.  First, it was with a new profile album.  Yes, previously I said I would not do this again, but the newest one really is the best.  It is all colorful and happy looking.  I love it!  If you're curious what this looks like, here is the link (http://www1.snapfish.com/snapfish/projectshareewelcome/l=6314857002/p=85181305761662117/g=24925953/cobrandOid=1000/COBRAND_NAME=snapfish/otsc=SYE/otsi=SPBKlink/).  Matt and I also decided to go ahead and put together a video to go along with our online profile.  I had a blast putting this together and am so excited for how it turned out.  I included the video on my last blog post.  These were great distractions right now.  We have also decided to take a family vacation to Disneyland.  Ainsley is at the perfect age to go now and we just quite frankly need to get away.  I am so excited!  In fact, my mother-in-law decided to come with us which means Matt and I will even get an evening out!  Now, I do realize we cannot take a vacation anytime I need a distraction from waiting, but as the summer and year moves on, there is plenty of fun to look forward to.  Matt and my 13th anniversary, Ainsley's 4th birthday, summer swimming lessons, park days, a summer camp, my birthday, and then we get into the holidays.  Very exciting!   

I find it fascinating what God reminds us of in our quiet moments.  For example, it was while thinking about blogging, I realized I am acting a bit like a child and whining.  Not a great thing...  However, also during this time I realized what great blessings I have to continue to look forward to.  So, the waiting game continues - distracting and praying.  Most importantly, praying.  It's really all I can do...

Adoption Video

Matt and I recently decided to go ahead and create an adoption video to be included in our online profile through our agency - Bethany Christian Services.  I was pretty pleased with how it turned out and am now posting it here as well.  We have an amazing group of friends and family who are loving, praying, and supporting us always. 

Enjoy!

Friendship

Today a friend of mine came over and I was yet again reminded how important friendship is and what a truly magnificent gift God gives us in it.  I've been so terribly down in the dumps.  Simply feeling sad, rejected, and cold.  I've not really wanted to be around my friends very often lately.  Not because I don't love them, but because I've been embarrassed by my emotions.  I've felt so embarrassed for the rejection of not being selected yet and then, embarrassed that I'm embarrassed.  That somehow, my friends would judge me and think I'm just not trusting in the Lord enough or that they too would see the rejection as something wrong with me.  Today, I was reminded why these are lies I've been allowing myself and why I must fight them and fight to get out of my comfort zone daily.  Why I so humbly need to be willing to let God hold my heart.  Today, a very dear friend of mine came over and straight forwardly ask me if I've been down.  I began to cry and told her the truth.  All of it.  Her answer was love and understanding.  Not condemnation or judgement.  She simply hugged me and told me I'm beautiful and that she understood why what we are waiting for is hard.  Words I so desperately needed to hear today.  Especially after going swimsuit shopping!  ;)

Thank you, Katy.  Thank you so very much for loving me today.  This is what faith gives me.  HE gives me a husband and truly amazing friends to lift me up and remind me to listen. What a blessing!

Terrified

Something I only really vaguely thought about so far in our adoption is our relationship with our baby's birth parent(s).  However, in the last few days, I feel like I have been forced to look at and evaluate what this relationship will be and why it is so important.  When Matt and I first began this journey, we were pretty sure we wanted a closed adoption.  We had this nonsensical idea that "open adoption" meant co-parenting.  We mindlessly and selfishly thought we'd have this other family dictating how to raise our kids.  Literally, fifteen minutes before we walked into our adoption agency for the first time, I received an email from an old high school friend.  She told me her sister had given up her son for adoption years ago and that it was an open adoption.  She explained that for her family to be able to see that little boy grow through the years provided so much peace for her sister and her family.  The photos of him and few visits her sister has had provide comfort.  This changed Matt and my perspective.  Pretty far into the process, almost near the end really, we were required to attend a day of "training".  I use the word "training" lightly for several reasons.  First, I don't think anyone can prepare you to be a parent.  Let alone an adoptive parent.  Second, Matt and I really had no idea what we were walking into on this day.  For starters, we didn't totally pay attention and thought it was only four hours long.  WRONG.  It was eight.  Eight hours of information from an attorney and then adoptive families.  The families were what we were not emotionally prepared for. 

First, the women who had sacrificially given their babies to families blew me away.  They were articulate, kind, and struggling.  Each one of these women ultimately wanted the same thing - a stable, safe, and loving home for the child they loved, but for one reason or another they could not raise.  Next, the adoptive families arrived to talk about their journey to receive there little ones.  There were three of them.  While listening on this day, it was apparent, more like a slap in the face kind of wake up call, that our relationship with our birth mother (or birth parents/birth family) will work because it is simply God working through the whole process anyway.  This relationship will work because God will make it work.  Believe me, I am not under any false pretenses that this relationship will necessarily be easy.  In fact, it's still quite the contrary - I am terrified.  Who will this woman be?  Where will she come from?  What will her expectations be? 

One of my greatest fears is being judged.  For any and everything.  From the way I style my hair to the way I practice my faith.  And yet, here I am.  I am going to be judged.  I am going to be evaluated so critically by a person I will not know at all.  And I should be.  The fit between our birth mother and us should be evaluated and prayed over thoughtfully.  Because, ultimately, from the time we are chosen, we will be connected.  We will be connected through a tiny baby for life.  This is why I am praying for patience.  This is why I am willing to wait.  Because, when the fit finally occurs, it will be a blessing from God.  Yes, I believe this wholeheartedly.  We will fit because we are meant to fit.  All of the band-aids will be off and our lives will be shared. 

These last few days, I have been terrified of this relationship just like I was at the beginning.  I've been forced to really think about this relationship.  However, as I am writing this right now, I'm feeling it subside yet again.  Just like it did on our training day.  The woman God only knows at this point, will have a relationship with us according to Him.  And it will work.  And rather than being terrified, I am getting excited!

Slow Week

Today's post is relatively short - more of just an update of sorts. Weeks like this one are particularly difficult for me as an adoptive family waiting.  This week, we did not receive any prospective birth mothers to potentially view us. During weeks like this, I truly have to fight to remember that God is in
control and He knows who our baby is and when/where he or she will come to us.  Being reminded of this helps. There is a Josh Wilson song, "Before the Morning," that makes me smile during these times. A few of the lyrics are as follows:

"Maybe there are things you can't see

And all those things are happening to

bring a better ending

Someday somehow you'll see, you'll see

Would you dare, would you dare to believe?

That you still have reason to sing?

'Cause the pain that you've been feeling

It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light

Press on and just fight the good fight

'Cause the pain that you've been feeling

It's just the dark before the morning"

That's sort of how I feel right now. However, I also am well aware I have a lot of joy in my life at the moment as well. So, here are just a very few things I'm finding the most joy in right now - at this very moment:

My chatty, brilliant, and beautiful, Ainsley.        
My incredible husband.
My mother-in-law visiting in the coming week.
EASTER at Qwest Field!
My crazy pugs, Lucy & Linus.

There is more joy coming. Lot's of joy. That's what I'm holding onto...

Average

I cannot stand the word average.  Perhaps it is my slightly competitive nature, but I just don't like it.  From birth, we are either above average, average, or below average.  We are constantly compared to the "average."  As a parent, I worried when Ainsley was a baby because, in general, she was always smaller than average.  She still is.  However, at some point I finally accepted that my daughter is just very tall and skinny and I let the word mean nothing in my mind except a useful gauge for her doctor.  Even less than the "average" weight for her age, she is still perfectly healthy, brilliant, and beautiful.  Someday, she will probably love being very tall and skinny.  I mean, I know I'd sure like to have long skinny legs. 

I do realize averages can be useful, but in waiting for our next baby through adoption, I am reminded again how little I like this word.  The average waiting time for a family in our adoption agency is about a 12 to 24 months.  When we first began this process, the wait was more along nine to 18 months, however, there are now more families waiting than when we began and the agency is still placing the same number of children.  I am suddenly fearful of being less than average and waiting far longer than 24 months.  Our agency offers an optional online family profile.  I check this page at least once a week to see if anyone new has been updated to "Placement Pending" status.  On one side, I look at each of the other families as competition.  These are the other people who a birth mom is going to see when she's making one of the most important and difficult decisions of her life.  The other side of me is truly cheering for each and every one of these families because they all look like lovely, nice people.  People I could be friends with.  And, all they want is the same thing I want - a baby.  They are each waiting for that super special little miracle God has planned just for them.  This online page reminds me each week to continue to pray for each of these families in the exact same way I pray for ours.  Lord, please bring this family a baby and please help them to be strong while they wait for what you have planned. 

Average.  Right now, we are average.  We have been waiting approximately six months.  By knowing the average, I have prepared myself to wait much longer.  Lord, help me to be strong enough to wait for what you have planned.  This is what I pray for - I pray that we are waiting only within the "average" time.  Right now, I'm praying to be average.

Roots

My family moved around a lot when I was a child.  I've gone through all of the places I remember and counted eight moves before I was 18.  Matt and I have continued this trend and have moved 10 times in our nearly 13 years together.  Most of these moves were between apartments in our early years of marriage, but three of those moves were after Ainsley was born.  Crazy.  We were in Austin, TX for the longest amount of time and, because of this, were able to actually establish roots.  Friends we will continue to love for all of our lives, a church we loved, areas we loved to hang out in, and local restaurants where we loved to eat. 


This last week, I have missed our Austin roots.  I miss Tex-Mex.  Folks, if you live anywhere but Texas, I highly doubt you have had real, good Tex-Mex.  I'd pay a pretty penny for a good bowl of Maudie's or Chuy's queso.  I miss our friends and family.  Yes, the ones I mentioned in my previous post.  But, we are not moving and I honestly do love where we live now.  So often, I joke with Matt that it would be heavenly if we could live where we live and all of the people we love from the south would move up here and we could merge our southern friends with our new northwestern friends.  In so many ways, our move to the northwest was a blessing.  Personally, I needed this move to grow - to change.  I believe God has always had his hands in our adventures and this last move was the most obvious blessing of them all.

In Austin, Matt and I found a church and through that church (and our friends in it), we started growing in our faith.  We talk about Austin being our springboard to Seattle.  In Seattle, we have found the church we believe God wanted us to find at just the right time in our lives.  I have learned more about my faith and what I truly believe it means to be a Christian here.  It's pretty incredible and I am incredibly thankful.  Had we not moved to Seattle, I am not sure we'd be on the journey to adopt.  But, here we are.  Pretty incredible. 

As I was talking to Matt about this recently, and telling him how much I miss this person or that, he reminded me it takes a long time to establish true roots.  From a purely analytical standpoint, if you think about a tree growing, it takes that tree years, decades, to truly grow deep in the ground and then tall.  We have been in Seattle for a very short amount of time - two and a half years.  In this short amount of time, I already feel the underground roots sinking in.  Church, home, etc.  I believe I will soon see the top of our tree rising more and more and am so thankful for the branches that have already sprung.  This is my home.  Rainy weather and all!  And I am thankful.  I am thankful for our church.  I am thankful my husband has a job he enjoys.  I am thankful our daughter is in an awesome preschool and is making friends.  I am thankful for the friends who call me when they know Matt is traveling and that I need a bit of cheering up.  I am thankful for the amazing beauty around us.  I am thankful for coffee shops on every corner.  I am thankful for monthly Bunco.  I am thankful for a million parks and green trees.  Simply thankful.  There is really no other word for it - thankful. 

Our tree has been replanted.  Our roots are settling in.  And this time, unless God has other plans, the roots are staying put.  We're going to see how deep they can grow...

Friends

Sappy warning:  This post is sappy.  OK, go...  :)

I have some of the most incredible friends.  If you are someone I am blessed to call friend, thank you.  Really.  Through all of the amazing people I am friends with, I learn so many things and am so often uplifted and encouraged.  Today, I felt like talking about some of them... 

First, Tara.  Tara and I met through church years ago.  We both struggled to get pregnant around the same time (not on purpose) and were both nervous to tell the other one when we were pregnant with our first born.  Tara, her husband, Matt and I decided it would be fabulous to have brunch together at an awesome little restaurant in Austin.  At ~10 weeks pregnant at this point, and having already gained about 15 pounds, I knew we were going to tell them we were pregnant.  I still don't know how the conversation happened, but at one point, I looked at her husband who was saying to my husband almost simultaneously, "Wait, did we tell you were were pregnant?"  I looked over at Tara with tears in my eyes - we were only two weeks apart.  I'm not sure I can ever thank God enough for Tara during my pregnancy or the continuing friendship with her over the years.  She and I complained together and just chatted together the entire time.  She is smart, beautiful, and hands down one of the best moms I know.  Love you, T.

Next, "The Ad Girls."  This is the name I have given to five of the most amazing ladies I have worked with and have continued to be able to be friends with over the years.  The Ad Girls and I met while all working at an advertising agency in Austin.  At first, none of us were really overly close, but at some point, we all got to know each other a little more.  They are all Christian, brilliant, gorgeous on the inside and out, and now spread across the western U.S. and world.  Each one of these friends inspires me in different and wonderful ways.  Laura, is so smart.  SO smart.  I can always see her seemingly setting her mind on something and just getting it done.  Blythe, is an athlete and animal lover.  I will never run a marathon, but Blythe has done it a few times and I am in awe of her for that.  She also has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know.  If there is a stray animal on the side of the road, she will have it in her possession and will find a home for it.  Amy, is awesome.  (Sorry to use the A with A here, but she is.)  Amy is one of those friends you just know would drop everything to see you.  She is kind and has a stealth sense of humor.  Meaning, when you least expect it, she'll say one of the funniest things you've ever heard.  Sommer, is my world traveler friend.  As someone with a terrible fear of flying, she shows me the world and reminds me that I really need to let this fear go.  Angela, is currently traveling around the world on a mission trip.  Now really, do I really need to say why that is amazing?  She is literally living in tents and meeting with some of the poorest people on the planet to tell them God does love them and that things will be better after this.  Amazing.  In fact, if you pray, would you please pray for Angela and her travels?  This week I have been thinking of these ladies and thanking God for who they are and that I get to call them friend.

OK, so I also have many, many more friends than I can't mention without making it a novel.  So, I'm collectively going through what I'm most thankful for in all of my friends.  My Washington/Seattle friends are still pretty new and we're all really still just getting to know one another.  But, from so many of these women I am already inspired.  I'm inspired by all of the women who have three or more children, who can still get dressed everyday, keep their houses organized, make dinner most every night, and don't complain about any of it at all.  I'm thankful for my Facebook friends.  Yes, friends.  Most of these friends are in Texas, or the south in general, and many have been my friend since junior high or high school.  So often, I wish I could physically see some of these people and give them a giant squeeze, but, for now, Facebook will have to suffice.  Thank you for keeping active so that I can "see" you. 

Finally, I cannot write a post about friends without mentioning my very best friend - Matt.  I'm really not going to write a long, sappy story here (most of you probably know it anyway); I'll keep it short.  Matt is the most amazing man I've ever known.  He is the one person who knows me best, has seen my worst, and loves me unconditionally.  I am thankful he has been with me through all of the toughest moments in my life and will continue to do so for the remainder of my life.  He is an amazing dad.  The kind of dad I wish I had had.  He can make our daughter giggle like no one else.  A few weeks ago, I was having a really hard time with adoption anxiety and Matt held me in his arms as I was uncontrollably crying and prayed with me.  Honestly, I've been a whole lot less anxious after that.  So, thank you, Matt, for more than I can say. 

OK - enough sappy.  Thank you, friends.  Thank you for continuing to pray for us and our adoption, thank you for inspiring me in so many ways.  Really.  I love you all. 

Emotional

I am an emotional person.  Yesterday, I received a book about dealing with challenges and how God actually grows us during these times.  As I was reading it, I began to cry.  Not just little tears that trickle out and you can blot politely with a Kleenex.  These were true, streams down my face and dripping onto my t-shirt, tears.  This book has spoken to me for so many reasons.  Mostly, the author and I seem to have a lot in common - miscarriage, struggles with selling homes and moving, and struggles dealing with the emotions we feel during these trying times. I am tremendously thankful to my friend and for my friend who sent me this book. 

So, as I was reading I began to think about what it means to me to be emotional.  For many people this is a negative trait and something feared by quite a few people I know.  However, I think it's something fantastic and I'm quite happy being emotional.  It seems to me some of the least emotional people I know are the ones I am most uncomfortable being around for any extended amount of time.  Please don't get me wrong, I do not break down in the middle of Target or begin crying for no apparent reason while going about my day.  However, privately, with my husband or friends, as I am praying or reading, or listening to music, or thinking about people or situations in my life, I may get a sniffle.  There are times I cannot continue to sing at church as I look around and see hands raised and voices lifted.  But, even here, I tend to just stop singing for a minute, swallow, take a deep breath, and then keep going.

Often I try to not be emotional, but I'm not really sure that's the best thing.  For example, this blog is very emotional for me.  It is also very public and by writing it, albeit for only a short while so far, I have felt a tremendous release of anxiety regarding our adoption.  Adopting in and of itself it extremely emotional.  Within the six months we have been waiting, we've received approximately 10-12 possibilities for us.  In an open adoption, the birth mother is presented with profile albums and information about prospective families.  Prior to our profile being shown, we are given the the information our agency knows about the birth mother.  Most of this information is regarding health care, possible drug/alcohol use, family preferences, birth father information, and any kind of family health information that may be known.  With each one of these prospective mothers, whether we say no or she says no to us, there is a lot of emotion involved.  If we say no, there is heartbreak and continuing prayer for the mother, baby, and family that can say yes.  When we do choose to be shown, it is emotional waiting to find out if we've been selected.  Initially, it may seem better to not be emotional in this case.  However, I truly believe it is helping me.  In this process, my emotions have opened me up to learning more about my faith, my strength, my courage, and my capacity to love. 

So, I am going to finish reading my emotional book and continue thanking God for this blessing he has given me.  Because, with it, I am able to abundantly love, wholeheartedly pray, and truly rely on my faith to get me through...

Just Dance

I love music.  Love it.  However, I cannot read a single note of music or tell you who composed what symphony I may be listening to on the classical music channel.  I've performed in musicals and danced in drill team or dance recitals, but could not tell you what a C-note sounds like. Despite this, I still love to sing and dance.  I've joked with Matt that anyone scrolling through my music would probably get a real laugh.  I have everything from Christian music, musicals, rap, hip hop, classical, and the list goes on...  Ainsley has been exposed to all kinds of music since before birth.  After her birth, I would plug my iPod (now Zune player) into the docking station and dance around the living room with her in my arms or in the Baby Bjorn.  She would get the biggest grin and later giggles.  It is no wonder my daughter now sings songs about any and everything she sees, hears, or wants.  She is also a pretty cool little dancer.  I love it!

So, having said all of this, it is surprising to me that I've avoided music when having the most difficulty with adoption anxiety.  Yes, some songs make me feel sad.  I still to this day cannot listen to Steven Curtis Chapman's "Cinderella."  But, all in all, music makes me feel good.  So, I've made a new promise to myself - Anytime I am feeling anxious about the adoption, I will turn on music, dance, and sing.  I mean really, why not?

A Changing Heart

Last February my husband, Matt, and I began the process of adopting.  We researched agencies and then met with the one we chose.  As we sat in the office with our soon-to-be caseworker, it was very clear this was the agency for us.  First, they were Christian - our # 1 priority.  Second, as we began to discuss how we came to adopting, we discovered our caseworker, Becky, attends the same church at a different campus.  We felt at ease.  We knew there would be prayer during the process and that was a reassurance.  Over the next two weeks, we began the paperwork.  Nine months later, after a formal application, individual meetings, a home study, etc. we were officially waiting.

Six months after all necessary steps have been completed, we are still waiting.  This has been a very difficult time for me and over the last week I've come to realize a part of why.  First, I'm proud and not in a good way.  I am a good mom, we have a nice home, a nice story, a lot of loving people around us, so how could a birth mother not choose us to adopt her baby?  Secretly, I thought we would be picked very quickly.  And to be honest, we were.  Within a few weeks of waiting, we were placed "on hold" four six weeks by a birth mother in Oregon.  I smugly assumed she would choose us.  She didn't.  That hurt, but I went on believing we'd only be waiting a little longer before we'd be chosen again.  We haven't.  So, we continue to wait.  The ups and downs have been excruciating.

Second, I cared entirely too much about what people thought about why we've not been chosen.  This is more along feeling proud, but I have thought people would think it odd no one has chosen Matt and me for their baby.  I wasn't taking into account that God knows who our baby is, where he or she will come from, and what the ideal time is for this to happen.  Which leads me to my next change of heart...

I thought I could control God.  As a part of our process, we had to complete a profile book for birth mothers to look through in considering the family for their baby.  This book is a compilation of pictures and stories from our life.  It also includes a letter we each wrote to our future birth mother.  I've changed this book twice.  Three months after submitting our original books, I changed them and submitted new ones, asking our caseworker to have them shown instead.  I thought if I prayed and begged enough, something would happen faster.  And then, God showed me I AM NOT IN CONTROL. 

I believe this journey is going to continue to make me raw - make me see things in myself that are uncomfortable to confess.  This is not going to be easy, but this is what God wants me to see; what He wants me to do; what He wants me to change.  A friend of mine recently posted this on her blog, "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called."  This is the path He has called me to be on and I am thankful.  I don't know when our next baby will be here and that's OK.  I do know my heart is going to continue to change for the better in the meantime...

Here goes nothin'...

I have not blogged and have never been one to journal before, so am really nervous doing this.  However, after attending a seminar at my church this last weekend, I realized blogging may be very helpful right now.  So, here it goes...
I am blessed to be the wife of an awesome, Jesus-loving man.  He prays over me and with me and sets my heart at ease.  We have not always had the perfect relationship, but strive to make Christ center in our marriage.  By doing so, we are stronger together year after year and I find myself loving him more and more.  I am tremendously thankful for Matt. 
I am also blessed to be a mother.  Blessed in this area for so many reasons.  First, I am blessed to have actually have had a baby.  I have been a Type 1 diabetic, born with one kidney, for over 25 years.  My husband and I were not sure we would be able to physically have children for a very long time.  We were open to adopting for years (more on this later).  However, a few of my doctors and a fellow diabetic friend gave us encouragement to try to have a baby.  We tried for a year to get pregnant, suffered one miscarriage, and then, four months later, became pregnant again and were blessed with my daughter, Ainsley.  My pregnancy was complicated.  Around 33 weeks, during a routine blood test, we were told I needed to go to a blood specialist immediately as my blood platelet count had dropped.  I had no idea what a hematologist was and when we arrived at the office, I was shocked to discover he practiced in an office that treated very ill patients suffering from cancer and leukemia.  My doctors monitored my blood platelets for the next three weeks.  The day before my water broke, my platelets were high enough that it looked like I would be able to have a safe delivery in a few weeks.  However, God had other plans, and my water broke the next day.  Upon arriving at the hospital, my platelets had dropped again and Matt and I were faced with two options - I could have Ainsley 100% naturally (without any pain medication) or I could go under general anesthesia and face having to have a blood transfusion.  The doctors gave us a few minutes to discuss our options, which seemed pretty clear to me - I was having my baby naturally.  So, the pitocin drip began and six excruciating hours later, I held the most perfect gift from God in my arms.  Ainsley arrived four weeks early, but was able to leave the hospital with us the next day.  She is still today, and will always be, my special gift from God. 

Six months after Ainsley was born, Matt and I decided we would not try to physically have a baby again.  The risks are too great.  So, we felt blessed to be the parents of one incredible little girl.  We were fine to have an only child and over the next two and a half years, we gave away many of our baby items.  God, however, had very different plans!  After we babysat our friends four daughters one Saturday, Matt and I talked about adopting again.  We talked about being open to the idea and possibly starting the process in the future.  The next day, our pastor preached on the genealogy of Christ and adoption.  I looked at Matt during the sermon with tears in my eyes and we started the process of finding an agency within the next week.  So, this is where this blog begins...